promise in pencil...

"So slowly I'm losing who I've sworn to be. 
A promise in pencil that years have made so hard to read. 
I've spent my life building walls brick by brick and bruise by bruise... 
a birdcage religion that whispered me to sleep. 

But time is spinning silk that coils ruthlessly; with the devil's patience, 
it binds my hands so quietly that soon it becomes a part of me. 

So soften these edges and straighten out my tie. 
And help me remember the hope that I have compromised. 
Please be a broken record for me."

---Birdcage Religion...Sleeping At Last

Project 365: Day 189

oak hill...

Here's the cemetery across the street from Resthaven...

"Beneath this stone I've placed in trust
not the immortal but the dust 
of one on earth to me most dear
who learned in youth his God to fear."

"Gone but not forgotten"....
But really they have been forgotten.  Their children came to see them...maybe their grandchildren but eventually no one came...and they were forgotten.   I hate that...

This couple died together...SO MANY thoughts in my head about this...

......................................................

"God loved him best and called him home"

I spent a lot of time here that day.  Lost in my thoughts I felt calm and didn't want to leave.  I have so many pictures from this place...these are just a tiny few...

4 layer goodness...

I grew up with my mom making this dessert every so often.  It was one of my dad's favorites.  I've never made it myself so this year my dessert to take over to Ryan's parents for Christmas was this.  My mom called it Four Layer Delight.  I heard my dad call it "Better Than Sex"...either way, it's good stuff.   I'm not saying that I actually did this...but... I heard that someone might have woke up at 5am this morning...stumbled to the kitchen, ate a few bites of this right out of the fridge and went back to bed. Like I said, I'm not admitting to it....just saying that it might have happened.  

Here's the receipe if you'd like to try it.  I really have no idea where it originated.  I copied this from my mom's receipe box.  My Aunt Allene gave it to her in the 80's.  

1 c. flour
1/2 c. nuts (I used walnuts...you could also use pecans)
1/2 c. butter (please use the real deal)
1 c. powdered sugar
2 - 3 oz packages of chocolate pudding - prepared...so you'll need some milk too
1 - 8oz package of cream cheese
1 large tub of Cool Whip (extra creamy please)

Mix flour, nuts & butter and pat in a 13x9 inch pan. Bake on 350 for 15 minutes...let cool. 
Mix 1 cup Cool Whip with powdered sugar and cream cheese until fluffy and spread over cooled crust.
Spread pudding on top of cream cheese mixture.
Last layer, spread remaining Cool Whip on top and sprinkle with nuts.  

Now, I can never follow a recipe as it is written...I always have to add stuff. Sometimes it's good and sometimes I need to just stick to the recipe. But in this case it was for the good.  I added crushed Pecan Sandie cookies to the top with the nuts.  I thought it needed an extra crunch...and I was right!!  

Anyways...enjoy!  

quiet night...

Christmas Eve...

It's so extremely quiet right now.  I can hear the wind blowing outside...I can hear the sound of my own breathing...but that is it.  Still...quiet...

Now I hear the sound of a train whistle.  It's lonely....it sounds so sad.  

Project 365: Day 135 

 

"Remains lay smoking
Crawling little by little I can hardly breathe
Unprotected exposed to the numbing conditions I feel no pain
Falling in the snow, dazed and confused, paralyzed with fear
Huddled together for warmth in the trees, where are the lights, where is help,
only the silence ...Help me 


Still the sky was empty
Freezing fog decended,
And the snow began to fall
Silence was an enemy, more hated than the cold
So we whispered stories to help us forget..."

---Donna Lewis

love?

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens
your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside
you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of
armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any
other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you.
They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you,
and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you.
It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe
we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real
gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
--- Neil Gaiman

Project 365: Day 035

the red plate...part II

So Kellan ate off his red plate!!  How cute is that?  
You can go to the previous post about the plate HERE. 

(Hopefully this has started a life long obsession with the red plate that his wife will have to deal with even after they've been married for 30 years!)  

the sandwich...

Project 365: Day 182

Reminds me that I think way too much about food.   But let me just say for the record...if this were an actual sandwich, it would not have cubed cheese on it.  It would in fact have potato chips and a ton of mayo.  I just happened to be cleaning out my fridge. 

But this brings me to another point...if there actually is one.   Food has been a comfort to me lately. 
With the stress of....things...life...the holidays, whatever...It's been food that I have turned to.  I'm showing it, my clothes are showing it, my health is showing it.  So...things have got to change.   

I wrote this a few years ago, in a blog that my friend and I started to help us be accountable to each other with our eating habits.  

"I don't know how to make my mind click like O is telling me. I don't
know how to say, "Lisa, that Whataburger is NOT good for you,
eating it will NOT make you feel better!" Instead I say, "Lisa don't
you want a Whataburger right about now...why, yes...yes I do"
and there goes my car into the drive thru!

So I've been thinking this week about portion control.
I know I have a problem with this. When I go to a Mexican
restaurant and they have the bottomless chips and salsa,
I will sit there and eat it before the meal, during the meal AND
after. Even after I can't stuff another bite into my mouth I will
go for those last few chips in the basket. WHY????? Why do I do
that? Why do I ask the people at the next table if they are going
to eat what's left of their chips...ha, just kidding I would NEVER!
But seriously I'm just as gross. So I'm thinking I need to start
watching how much I eat.

Like for instance, Ryan and I went to Flaming Wok the other night.
I ordered the child's plate because I didn't want to eat all the food
they normally pile onto their dinner. BUT, it was still a big portion
and about half way through I started feeling full. Did I stop? NO I didn't!
I just kept on eating until I was about to pop! It was just SO stink'n tasty!
But I got to thinking after I left there (thank goodness Ryan was driving
so I could lay my seat back a little.  I was stuffed!) that I could have
asked for a to-go box and when I got home or the next day I could have
ate a little more if I wanted to. Why did I feel like I had to totally eat all of it right then?"


So...for what's left of this holiday season, I will think about portion control. No more reaching for food when I start thinking of something stressful.  Maybe I'll get up from my desk at work and take a short walk or something, I don't know...we'll see...

smell...

Memories, imagination, old sentiments,
and associations are more readily reached
through the sense of smell than through any other channel...

                                                         ---Oliver Wendell Holmes

 

My husband tells me I have a crazy good sense of smell.  I also feel like my sense of smell is extra in-tune with my memories...but maybe it's this way for everyone.  I can smell something from 20 years ago and instantly be back at a certain place....surrounded by certain people.  The smell of men's cologne and toothpaste reminds me of my dad.  Every morning he would leave for work and the smell of both mixed together would linger long after he had left.  There have been times when I've been standing in the kitchen cooking and the smell of food, mixed with dish soap and the smell of outside from the breeze coming in from an open window or door will put me at my grandparents house again.  I can picture my grandmother standing at the sink with the little white lacey curtain blowing in the breeze.  Sometimes I get dizzy from the force of the memory a smell invokes. 

Anyways...I got a magazine in the mail a few months ago and it had a perfume sample sheet in it.  I'm not sure what those are called...are there names for those things?  So the second I pulled back the edge of that sample, I was instantly taken back to my grandparents again.  Every summer my mom, my sister and I would go to my grandparents house.  Usually for 3 weeks...if we were lucky a little longer.  Every Sunday (twice a day) and on Wednesday nights we would all load up and go to church.  I have no idea when Grannie started wearing Youth Dew by Estee Lauder but as far back as I can remember that was her smell...and I loved it on her.  So as we would pile in their car, I would smell Youth Dew, hairspray, Grandpa's cologne and usually fruit flavored Certs or Juicy Fruit gum, whichever Grannie had in her purse.  All of that is mixed together is this perfume and I can't get enough of it.   Karen bought me some for Christmas and I did a pencil picture for the 365 project with it today.   I think tomorrow I will need to buy a pack of Juicy Fruit and chew a piece on the way to work...

the red plate...

When I was younger...MUCH younger, I use to work at a Hallmark Store in San Antonio.  Along with cards, we sold all kinds of little gifty things.  One little item that caught my eye was the red plate.  The story is, when a family member has a special day...like a birthday or a special achievement...they get to eat off that plate at dinner time.  It's just a way of acknowledging someone special.  So, I just HAD to have it for when I would someday have a family of my own.  Well I have the plate...it's up in my cabinet with the rest of the dishes.  I tried to use it once with Brendan but he was older and thought it was silly. I don't think Ryan would appreciate it...I can't imagine him and I sitting down to dinner and me serving him on that plate. Um...yeah...No.   About the only thing it's been good for in my lifetime is a pencil picture for the project. Although I did let Wizzy eat off it once.  So, I'm going to pass it on to Kellan and Paityn.  I'm hoping Karen will start the tradition with her kids.  I'll be going to Kellan's 2nd birthday party this weekend.  It doesn't seem possible that he's already two years old.  CRAZY!   Anyways...he'll get to eat off the plate this weekend. Because it's his birthday, he's special and his Aunt Lisa loves him very much!  And by the way, the apple in the picture was dipped in caramel, white chocolate, toasted coconut and almonds.  It was heaven! 


understanding...

A friend of mine said at her dad's funeral, "Even if God told me the reason why, I probably still wouldn't understand".  Life has a way of breaking us down.  Some things I will never understand... I guess it's better that way...


creepy...

Just a little note to the person in San Antonio, TX who downloaded almost every picture I have posted on my website...um...don't do that.  Atleast leave a note and let me know what you're doing.  Oh, and by the way, copying my pictures is against the law...they are copyrighted.

Thanks,

its just me... 

PS...You've officially creeped me out. 

greatest fears...

On my way to San Antonio the other day, I finally stopped at a little cemetery that I'd been telling myself I'd stop at and never had. It's on I-10 between Houston and SA...I don't even remember the little town it's near.  I drove around and came in through the back.  I walked all around taking pictures...getting lost in my thoughts...wondering about the people who were buried there...listening to the silence.  There were lots of beautiful stones and markers.  The grounds were well manicured and even a few visitors came and went during the hour or so I was there.  As I found myself at the front entrance, I noticed a black iron gate across the street.  At first I thought it was an extension to this cemetery, but as I looked closer I realized that it was a different one all together. Very small, not many grave stones and from what I could tell at that distance, it was not really well cared for.  I finished the few shots I still wanted to get and made my way across the street.  When I got there and drove under the gate of Rest Haven I was not prepared for the sadness I felt.  There were a few headstones but for the most part unmarked stones marking graves scattered here and there.  Even the headstones left were broken, falling over and leaning up against trees.  You could tell the people buried there were long forgotten.  I am posting these pictures first before the others because in all the beauty of the well groomed cemetery across the street, this little forgotten one moved me the most.  I know my pictures or my words do not do it justice and in no way actually convey the feelings that they evoked.  But...here they are anyways...

I say "Greatest Fear" because I'm so afraid of being alone.  I'm not able to have children, so who will come visit me?  Who will make sure my marker is not turned over?  Will there even be a marker or will it be marked with just a round stone as some I saw at Rest Haven? Depressing right?  Who cares...it's what I'm feeling tonight.  Tomorrow maybe I'll post rainbows and butterfly's ;-)  Goodnight...